Friday, May 25, 2012

Death and the Maiden

Today I learned that the father of a good friend of mine died of a heart attack. I am reminded of what I went through a few years ago, and that, no matter what, the death of a loved one leaves behind a huge black hole. A black hole that can never be filled, no matter what.

In 2204 I lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's. In 2005 my father died of cancer. In 2006 I lost my grandmother of natural causes, she was around 100 years of age. In 2007 my little sister died in a car crash.

The pain from these deaths, and especially my little sister's who would be 31 today, can never go away. It mellows with time, it might not be as sharp and as strong as in the first few months, but it still is there. There have been times when I saw someone on the street that looks like my sister or my father; but then as they come closer, reality hits me again. It's not them. It's someone else.

When my friend called, I did not know what to tell him. I just told him that I am sorry, I offered my condolences. I was devastated. I called him a bit later again, to tell him that if he needs anything, even just to talk, to call me. I understand what he is going through, I went through the same pain and the same anguish myself.

I know that I am not going to see my loved ones ever again. They are dead. They are ashes to ashes and dust to dust. I don't believe in afterlife or anything similar.

One of the worst things that someone told me when my little sister died was that god wanted her as an angel and took her. It was on the phone, and really I wanted to smash the head of that idiot. That is supposed to be comforting? On the contrary, it made me angry. There is no god, there are no angels, there is no afterlife. All we have is this one fucking life and we better live it to the fullest.

I am the Maiden. And Death is around us all the time.

1 comment:

Dimitris Bardakas said...

You're right but... all this pessimism is not necessary. I know it sounds funny, but even though I don't believe in God, I hope in afterlife. Not in this, human form. This state really is temporary and doomed to die. But just like this life is crazy and because I don't like to beat around the bush, inexplicable, which means science is great. It's the truth. That's a matter of fact. However, science has not yet discovered how the Universe was created. Theories is what we have. And I do believe, it came from nothing... but alas, have you ever thought what nothing is? Is the human mind able to perceive what nothing is? If the Universe could come from nothing, we don't even know what nothing holds for us after our physical death. I'm not religious. I'm optimistic in my way. You can take stock of my "theory" or you can dump it. But please remember. Do not be so assertive. "There's no afterlife". You can say, "I don't believe in afterlife"... But you can't know for sure whether life after death exists, in any form, since the answer lies in the state of death. Anyway! In my opinion, the problem isn't the existence of life after death, but the existence of life before death. Maybe everything we're living is a mere dream. A matrix. As Poe said: "Everything we see, everything we seek, is nothing but a dream within a dream".